A Slice of Life

Last few days

Carmen flew in from Wisconsin on Monday to visit me for three days. We had some lovely times... here are some pics of her and I in picturesque Scottsdale, the wilderness having a shootout and offroading and having eaten out at a lovely Mexican restaurant last night. You feel after the loss of someone you love that you cannot ever be happy again... it was good to smile and enjoy life once more.

A lifting of fog

Since my father passed away on Tuesday, life has taken on a surreal quality. I have not been able to eat at all and I have shed more tears than I could possibly imagine and been in extraordinary pain. I have been sleeping a lot and not knowing day from night and it seemed to me that nothing was important or meaningful at all. I felt a sense of uselessness and utter terror in the possibility of losing my siblings and have not been able to comprehend why what happens to us does, and why we have to hurt so much.

Then I got a letter from my Dad in the mail. It was odd, as he was already dead. It turns out 24 hours before he died he wrote and mailed off a birthday card to me. It has changed things so much, knowing how much he loved me and then also at 2am I phoned my Auntie Angela and my Uncle Richard in England whom I have not had any contact with in about 15 years (what with me living in the States now, etc).

Today I went to an art show with my friend Terri, Ralph and Daryl and this evening went out with Daryl and Ralph with my friends Ann and Mike to eat and it did me the world of good to just get out and get back to being a part of life instead of feeling at the horrible edge of it. And it was wonderful to be around people and eat and laugh - basically to LIVE - and on the way home realized that life is really the beautiful place that it always was and that my father is not gone because he is here, always in my heart.

And tomorrow is my 41st birthday and I'm going to post lots of pics, especially since my friend Carmen is flying in on Monday and I have a lot of nice photos to share!

Pulse

I said I would not blog for a while... but I came across a poem I wrote when I used to write poetry a lot. It seems relevant in that it appears my Dad died rather suddenly and that therefore his pulse stopped soon, so when I found this poem I thought it would be all right to share it.

Pulse

even seen deep within a delicate willowing flower

even in the holding firmly of a sturdy branch

or the chance passing shadow

of an otherwise still reflection

we know the rhythm and flow is there

throbbing through it all

and has always been

and will continue for eternity, eternity, eternity

the seeminly endless life of the living

in all its complexity

yet we are still such a small part in its process

assimilating where within this we belong

is an endless question and pursuit

that has no answers

that I myself can find

so insignificant in the face of it all

Just like the wind

we breeze in and out of life

and all we know

is that we have felt the rustling of leaves.

Thank you Carmen and Kostia for the delivery of the beautiful Spathiphyllum plant and your lovely message. It is extraordinarily beautiful, just as my friendship has been with you both.

And I want to take the time out to say to everyone who knows me that I have never felt more loved than this moment: of flowers, hugs, emails, cards, international phone calls from friends and relations in England and Spain and all my friends here in Arizona. You have all touched my heart in a way I don't really know how to express adequately in words, but it goes in deep and will never be forgotten. I just really miss my father and can't believe I will not see him ever again.

My father died yesterday

I probably won't be blogging for a while due to sadness and grieving. I wish I had more pictures, though this is one I really like. I just don't know what else to say really other than a huge thank you to all my friends for being so kind to me at this time.

Atonement

I went to the cinema today and watched this film.

It is an utter work of art.

Quite possibly the best film I have ever seen. It's cinematography is unbelievable. I had read about the Golden Globe award and all the other nominations, but to see it on the big screen for yourself is a treat beyond measure. If I had started to cry I would not have stopped. It spans 75 years and takes you through so many emotions. Keira Knightley is beautiful in it, I thought the characterization was perfect and it has stayed pretty close to the original book by Ian McEwan, who was one of my favorite authors (he is a Booker prize winner).

Nothing more to say: just go and see it.

Thank you Carmen and Kostia

for the beautiful scarf... I love it! Very kind of you.

Getting carried away?

Had a New Years party over at my house... but I think things got a little carried away after some champagne, wine and kahlua coffees. Crazy friends.